Edumacation Assessmentation

The NC EOGs are upon us. What's that, you say? What are the NC EOGs? Well, my friends, they are none other than the bulletproof testing methodology devised by the North Carolina State Board of Education.

Yes, bulletproof. Unlike all the other states in the union, this standardized test is bulletproof. I like the sound of that, you know. Bulletproof. Okay, I'll stop.

So, their website defines the EOGs as follows: The North Carolina End-of-Grade Tests are designed to measure student performance on the goals, objectives, and grade-level competencies specified in the North Carolina Standard Course of Study.

I think it would be more succinct and candid to say the EOGs are designed to drive parents insane and children to early therapy. Since she's just a 4th grader, Madison's only on the hook for 2 days of mathematics and 1 day of reading comprehension testing. Even with that short list, her anxiety levels are fast-approaching critical mass.

But, fret not, the schools have valuable tips to get us through the week.

I find it amusing that the schools feel the need to send preparatory advisements on how to gear your child for the testing period. If not for the wisdom imparted in this guide, I would have never considered any of the following gems I plucked from this list (note the parenthesized sarcastic asides)...

-- Talk briefly about the tests in an encouraging way. (i guess this throws out any opportunity for me to get on my soapbox regarding standardized testing.)

-- Children should know that test scores are important, but are not the measure of your love and acceptance of them. (huh? apparently, i've been going about this all wrong. i guess this means i can't put conditions on my parental love anymore. darn.)

-- Encourage your child to be physically active after school...this will result in better sleep! (this one's easy. just set aside some laborious chores for her, like digging a 20ft trench.)

-- Have your child go to bed early enough to get plenty of rest. (yeah, riiight. early to bed, early to rise...yadda, yadda, yadda...sleep is overrated)

-- Prepare a healthy breakfast. (i'll need to look this one up. i have no idea what they're asking me to do here.)

-- Make sure that you get your child to school ON TIME. (does this mean i have to set the alarm?)

-- Set the alarm a little early to allow your child time to eat & dress without rushing. (oh, i guess i do have to set the alarm. earlier. wait..what?)

-- Give your child positive messages such as "I know you are capable of doing well." and "You can do it." (or "fake a severe migraine. it might buy you some time, as well as some sympathy points.")

-- After the tests, celebrate in whatever way you choose! (now, wait a minute, she's too young to have margaritas!!)

So, yeah, I'm totally behind the EOGs, can't you tell? Oh, and I haven't even shared the full page of "Sleep Tips" these people sent us. Yeah, I'm glad they're here to help incompetent parents like us get through this arduous exam week.

And, yes, that's sarcasm you smell.